zyzany

I don t know why, tonight I need to writte in english. maybe because I would like to go back there cause it looked so much easier. no problem, no question, only one life, in a parrallel world. It wasn t what I'm going to live here. It was completely different. During 9 months, just a carefree life. I was too far from the problems, too far to care about it, too far to question myself, my life, my relationships. during this time, i just became proud an confident. nothing more, nothing less. Moreover, now I'm coming back,and everything collapses. My relationships led my confident and my happyness. Since 1 week, there is no day without tears, no one... and it won't be better. Idon t know why, but even when I block myself to have too strong feelings, it doesn t work. I can t manage it and after I m the one who suffer...I even don't know when feelings come, there are just there, as a bullet. I don t understand what really happens, I m even not sure someone understood it. It just happened, like the wind which takes everything in its way... When the time of the explanation came, I wasn't able to explain myself, only crying. However, for the end of the high school I promised myself to never cry again for someone. Moreover, never cry in front of someone expet for movies (but it doesn t really count). And yesterday, I was there, slowly crying when he came. He was stupid, desperatly explained himself with false and stupid excuses. i was angry, but I wasn t able to scream on him, to hit him... I was the cliché of the in love girl when the boyfriend break up... just a cliché... I didn t want to be this kind of girl, it's not in this way that I felt growing up during the year... So, I hid myself, because I had nothing else to do. To everybody I say that I don t really care, but it s false. It affects me a lot... I'm maybe too proud to say it... but yes, I m crying... no, I m not happy. Then I smile, I try to stay normal, I prefer if nobody know it, but after all, i would like he understands how much I fall in less on 1 week. He didn t know me before... i was already happy when we met, I'm even not sure that he noticed that I was happier day after day with him. I jump on the problems during the time because i knew that someone was there to help me in case of... but... who knows how much he sustained me? I think that even I didn t know... But now it's without him... it's stupid to say that! I don t want to be this kind of girl, i fight during years to don t become like that... I don t need him! obviously I didn t managed it. I think he understands now how much i'm unhappy, so he would like to fix some things. But he can t! he didn t understand how many insults i was dreaming to say to him. I just wanted to be nasty! hurt him... then, tonight, when he sent me the message to fix thing and hope that i'm going to be better, my only idea was to hurt him! I don t want his pity! he really don t know me, if not he knew that! i don t want to see him again! i would like to change my friends, just to be sure that i won t cross him again to a party, to be sure also that my friends won t have to choose between him and me... but I can t stay here foreover.. i love my friends... as much i loved him. now, i m between love and hatred. I would like to explain to him...
sometimes i ask myself if I shouldn t fight for him... sometimes i told me that it's useless because nothing are gonna change. he doesn t love me anymore... perhaps it's my destiny: never find someone.  maybe it's just to teatch me something... maybe... it's like that!
he would like to be friend but I can't!:i should stop all contacts with him, but i've a irresistible urge to send him an email to explain him how much disappointed I am, also all the questions I have, and all my feelings and my thoughts. I think it's a bad idea to do it because it won t change anything, it's always bad to continue without hope.
I was happy with him, so I should'nt talk to him before learning to be happy without him... but is it happening?I would like him as a friend, but I can't... it's gonna destroy myself...
and I don't know who I can talk about that , because I know that I need someone who doesn't know us, and more, who doesn t know me... I don t want to worry or disturb my friend with this kind of stupid problems, that's why I'm writting on this blog, because i have nowhere else.
I'm kind of lost... I'm kind of disappointed... I'm kind of sad... I've all the feelings mixed in my head, and my tears with them... 
weird but I would like to cry on his arm, even if it's to cry because of him :s    I'm a stupid girl!

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!

cette gentille phrase dites par l'hotesse de l'air n'a jamais eu autant de sens... certes, il n y  a pas d hotesse d el'air dans ma vie, mais je pense que si il y avait une ceinture, il faudrait que je m y accroche le plus fort possible pour ne pas me casse la figure... ptetre bien que la chute libre me va aussi... mais bon, je pensais pas que le retour serait aussi difficile... tout d'abord le manque, je ne me sens plus bien des que je sors en ville... alors je reste ici, la ou je me sens en securité, la ou je pourrai tout oublier... oui mais! mais je n'oublie pas ce qui se passe a l'exterieur... je croyait avoir imaginé tous les scenarios pour le retour... je m'etait lamentablement trompée en oubliant celui de la realité... c'est comme si tout s'effondrait autour de moi. des amis partis, ou alors qui ne m'interesse plus, ou alors qui ont explosé en vol... des conneries, enfin, des erreurs de ma part...je parle trop, je devrai me la fermer... apprendre a etre plus silencieuse, garder les choses pour moi.
c est vrai que d'un coté ca me fait des variables en moins pour l'an prochain... mais en fait nan... c'est n'importe quoi. ca sera plus simple l'an prochain, mais j'aurai préféré que ca soit plus difficile vu le prix a payer... et si on avait été ensemble tout le temps, et si je partais pas de nouveau l'an prochain, est ce que ca aurait deja été fini ou non?
je me pose pleins de questions et j'ai pas de reponses... et c'est ca la vie... alors je le sais, ca ira un peu mal au debut surement, mais apres tout, on s'habitue a tout, meme au pire... alors oui j'ai mal a la gorge, quand j y pense j'ai envie de vomir, et de pleurer... c'est de la tristesse, parsque malgré tout, il y a des sentiments... mais c'est surtout de l'habitude, et le fait de ne pouvoir en parler a personne...
je ne savais pas que les nouvelles vies pouvaient etre si difficile... ce ne sont plus tout a fait les meme, on ne peut plus tout a fait recommencer... c'est tout different avec les memes personnes ou non... c'est etrange...

keep your smile, save it, follow your dreams and coontinue to have new ones...

garder le sourire pour eviter les "je te l'avais dis"